The Path

I’m not even sure how to start this...I figured maybe if I just began writing, I would get out what I want to say. The first thing I wanted to talk about was where I am...I feel like I’m between the darkness and the light. The darkness is my past, it’s who I used to be, who I used to want to be, and what I have defeated. The light is where I’m going now, where I know I will go and what I’ve won.

I look back and I see so much pain...so much pain, so much sadness and anger and fear. My heart aches with the pain I see, the pain I can still feel. But, now I can at least look away. And I look away to the light I can now feel, to the future I no longer fear, to the love I wish to feel and the happiness and joy I know is there.

But now...now I feel in between the two. On the path, but not there yet. There are still mountains I must climb and obstacles to overcome, but it seems that the worst has come...there’s no more waiting for it to hit me...it came, and went. I finally let go of it. I hung on for so long, clinging to a path that was not mine to take. Death was not for me, nor living in the past with so much pain. No…that was not the path for me, no matter how comforting it may have seemed or how normal and right it seemed- it just wasn’t mine.

But it was on that path that I forged myself, who I tried to make an identity out of...but now that is no longer. So, that also means that identity is gone. That girl, that woman...she vanished...and a new me is arising. The real me has come forth to claim my identity. I feel like I knew her at times, maybe caught glimpses, but she was never there to stay...just there enough to provide me with hope and the will to carry on. And now I’m finally discovering her…me.

I look and stare at me in wonder. There is finally a me, there is someone I recognize, someone I’m beginning to like a little at a time. But sometimes it’s hard to see, as well. There is just so much I’m discovering, at times it seems overwhelming...at times I can’t believe what I’m doing. It’s not safe and secure territory, it’s not what I’m used to, it’s not...what I remember. It’s all unfamiliar territory...but it is friendly...it is where I CHOOSE to be.

And that choice has made all the difference. That choice allows me to be strong...even faced with my past, faced with the pain, faced with the temptation to return to those times. At times I wonder if I am crazy because I times I miss the pain, the chaos...but I know it’s not because I’m crazy, but because that is what I knew to be life, what I knew to be safe and secure. Pain was constant, predictable...but now everyday I awake and who the hell knows what I have coming. I see so many of my scars sometimes and I feel pain and regret...and temptation for more sometimes. It softly whispers occasionally, but I knew that would come. It will be a while before I can look at something sharp and not know what I want to do with it. Sick? Crazy? Maybe...but I do shut the door on that chapter of my life.

And I begin a new one. One that isn’t written, one that hasn’t been attempted before, and one that is different than all the others. I’ve got quite a thick book on my hands, full of so many chapters- of pain, of sorrow, of hate, and of hurt...rarely can I look back and see the chapter of happiness and joy...those remain the chapters ahead.

There are so many unknowns these days, but that’s okay...I’m ready and willing to face it. I’ve opened up both my eyes and my mind. I’ve made a choice. I made the choice to live, no matter what may come my way. I had my one last fight with pain and suffering, and for once I took matters into my own hand and decided my fate.

I had guides and helpers along the way, to help me build my strength and courage...but in the end, only I could stand and make the choice. Only I could travel that path, only I could really decide. And oh, how close I came to playing out the scene in my mind that haunted me for years. I was so sure I was to die, so sure my days were numbered, so sure I’d die young. I was so afraid of the future, of stepping outside everything I knew...and so used to being who I was not (as strange as that may seem).

And these days...it’s remembering who I was trying to be that causes me pain. In my own way, it seems, I’m trying to burn down the past and who I used to be. I’m doing my best to show ‘me.’ And things I find of my old life...I want to get rid of.

So where am I going with all this? I do not know...as with many things I do not know. What I do know...I am highly enjoying finding myself...really finding myself- and it’s all so new! I mean even my musical tastes have taken a turn around...a thing as simple as what I listen to has taken on new meaning. Someone opened a door for me and I jumped through…so happy to find such a connection...so happy to find something that actually brings me joy. Which I guess is part of the reason I’m playing around with the idea of making music again. Picking up the violin I had long since buried. But I have not forgotten what it meant when I played: freedom. Until depression took that away from me…stripping me of one of the few outlets I had.

But I no longer have depression taking from me. I have joy giving to me. So what would it be like to play now...now that I have so much to look forward too. I guess even a part of me is afraid to play again...especially with my love and deep connection for music these days. Perhaps playing can help me with something else...the deep yearning I’ve had to play ball again.

So piece by piece...I get rebuilt. Funny how that sounds. Or maybe it’s discovered...I get discovered. I feel like when I stepped out of that hospital for the last time...I...ME...stepped out...and into the light. It’s funny...when they let me out the first time in those 19 days…it was raining and cold. I should have known then it wouldn’t be for long. Not only that, but when I went in, it was rainy and cold…the tree’s had not blossomed etc. When I got out…oh what a sunny, warm day. As I walked through campus again for the first time...all the tree’s and flowers were blooming- yes, I know this all sounds corny...but it’s the truth. And it represents the transformation of me that took place. And I think it’s the perfect representation.

So...here I am. I don’t even know what to say...okay, so I just wrote three pages- I mean I don’t know what to say about where I’m going. But I chose a path...the one less traveled, in my own life and the life of my family. No...I don’t always make the right choice, but they are at least my choices...choices I’m not afraid to make. I’m ready to listen and learn with both eyes open and a mind that is slowly opening as well. I take the days as they come, listening more with my heart than my head these days. I’m feeling more than ever...which means both the good and the bad and I let both in because they have to be there...I can’t have one without the other...and that’s not such a bad thing. Why? Because I have learned that joy and happiness are far, far stronger than that of pain, anger and sadness. No matter how dark the path may seem to get...I now always remember that life is sweet...oh so sweet...and,

“I'm so glad that [ I ] finally made it here
With the things [ I ] know now, that only time could tell
Looking back, seeing far, landing right where we are
And oh, you're aging, oh and I am aging,
Oh, aren't we aging well?”

There is a line to a song that I’ve recently heard too, about how suffering isn’t for the evil, but the enlightened. That was a pretty good set of lyrics.

I’m finally getting it, really getting it...and that has become the stronger part of me. I’m here...and I made that choice to be here and to continue on my journey...where ever it may lead.

I stand with strength, courage, joy, and without fear. I have the will to keep going forward, without looking back so much- the future is too bright for that.