Manic- Depression...and me

"I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn't work for me, the answer would be a simple no... and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It's complicated... I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and have been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters... Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But normal or manic I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know."
-- Kay Redfield Jamison

And so this quote often comes to mind at certain times. Especially if I feel things get out of hand, and sometimes I wonder if I was cursed or blessed. I think both. People often ask me if I regret everything that has happened- the hospital visits, the overdoses, the scars, and the general craziness I found myself in at times. And most often, you will find me saying no, I don't regret it.

At the end of the day, everything that has happened, all those times, both good and bad- they have all served to bring me where I am today. And I look around and realize that it's not such a bad place after all. Yeah, I have my fair share of scars, one look at my arm and you know I've been through a war. And the emotional ones I think run deeper. But without those experiences, I wouldn't be half the person I am today.

Somehow...through Hell, I forged a self, a being...that was the complete opposite of what I was being taught. I fought the abuse, the hurt, the manipulations...and came out a stronger, kinder, more understanding person. And the things I have done to combat both my past and my illness will stand the test of time and really mean something.

I have an incredible website that has found it's own identity and own little hole of fame and a message board that has found a support group like none other. I am so proud of how far the site has come and how many lost souls have found their way just a little brighter, perhaps because they found my site along the way.

And my work- therapist for children with autism. Everyday, I have the chance to change a child's world. I'm bringing children from the darkness to the light. Not just being a voice to convey their thoughts, but helping them find their own voice in which to speak those thoughts. Working with these kids and seeing how far they can go has been amazing.

And I'm around to be part of the process, amazing. But as Dr. Jamison stated in her quote...Lithium is a large part of how I have become me. Having been through a few different meds and no meds at all, I've gotten a handle on how I function. And part of the reason why I am so good with the kids is my creative power, the sparks of insight I can pull from the air in the middle of a two hour session- it's that which really moves us along. And I remember being on meds that made the sparks go away and I just felt like any old therapist who could follow a program book...but not expand upon anything. Losing that creative insight hurt so much, I felt like it was a piece of me gone.

So med playing came...and I played with the meds to almost deadly results. I'm just lucky I had a therapist that knows me through and through and knew when I had decided my time was up.And she saved me...again. But this was a different kind of save. It was a save me from ending my life, but not a save from wanting to die- only I could come up with that. After six or seven hospitalizations, it was time for me to decide. Was I going to fight this illness tooth and nail? Or let it take me?

Apparently I'm too stubborn to leave this world so silently. So I had some renewed hope, in both therapy and my new meds, which includes Lithium.

And the differences have been incredible. It's like Lithium keeps me from living in fast forward or a slow rewind...but right about where it should be...but the tracking needs adjusting- and in comes talk therapy. And my creativity is there. I've still got it with'my kids.' My work with them has not been impacted. It only gets impacted when it' hospital time again.

But I'm through with that. I am becoming who I want to become...I am liking who I am becoming...I'm done with surviving through life, and I'm ready to begin living life!

Not Saving Enough for the Swim Back

“I need to believe, that something extraordinary is possible.”
- A Beautiful Mind

I do believe that extraordinary things are possible everyday. I see it here on the boards, as we all struggle, but every day we still wake up in the morning. We still hope. I see it in the kids I work with, and the miracles that happen to them each and every day. What a life to live, when every day you get to witness extraordinary things. Just as you all do, if you would only look inside yourself.

"Perhaps it is good to have a beautiful mind, but an even greater gift is to discover a beautiful heart."
- A Beautiful Mind

What true words. It's great to be intellectual, to figure things out, to know. But even greater to feel, to really feel. Like with the kids- yeah, I know the principles behind ABA therapy like the back of my hand, but that is not what makes me a good therapist. What makes me a good therapist is the beautiful heart- because it fuels my creativity, and it is my heart that the kids feel, how they know things without me telling them anything. What a gift and discovery.

"People ask, How did you get in there? What they really want to know is if they are likely to end up there as well. I can't answer the real question. All I can say is, it's easy."
- Girl Interrupted

I haven't decided if I agree with this statement or not. On the one hand- I think- it's hard- to make that decision, to go to the hospital. That decision takes strength and courage, and it is not for everyone. It means you still have hope, and faith...that you WILL get better. But on the other hand, it is easy. I see both sides of the coin- I could be those nurses, in my case, one of the counselors at the hospital, and I could be a patient (well was). It is a fine line. But that is fodder for another post now that I think about it, too long to explain. I would say, yes, it is easy to QUALIFY to be in the hospital, but it is hard to actually go, because that takes a hell of a lot of strength, courage and hope.

There is one movie I continually think of. It was never a blockbuster hit, but it has stayed with me for seven long years. The basic premise is this:Gattaca Corp. is an aerospace firm in the future. During this time society analyzes your DNA and determines where you belong in life. Ethan Hawke's character was born with a congenital heart condition which would cast him out of getting a chance to travel in space. He (Vincent) is also one of the last "natural" babies born into a sterile, genetically-enhanced world, where life expectancy and disease likelihood are ascertained at birth. Myopic and due to die at 30, he has no chance of a career in a society that now discriminates against your genes, instead of your gender, race or religion. So in turn he assumes the identity of an athlete who has genes that would allow him to achieve his dream of space travel. He achieves prominence in the Gattaca Corporation, where he is selected for his lifelong desire: a manned mission to Titan. Constantly passing gene tests by diligently using samples of Jerome's hair, skin, blood and urine, his now-perfect world is thrown into increasing desperation, his dream within reach, when the mission director is killed - and he carelessly loses an eyelash at the scene! Certain that they know the murderer's ID, but unable to track down the former Vincent, the police start to close in, with extra searches, and new gene tests. With the once-in-a-lifetime launch only days away, Vincent must avoid arousing suspicion, while passing the tests, evading the police, and not knowing whom he can trust.

I never forgot this movie. And there was one scene in that movie that makes me not forget it. The movie is Gattaca. Here are some quotes that explain that scene and why it stays with me.

"Our favorite game was chicken. When our parents weren't watching, we used to swim as far out as we dared. It was about who would get scared and turn back first. Of course it was always me. Anton was by far the stronger swimmer and he had no excuse to fail."

Then later, as adults when they swim, and Vincent is beating the odds:
Anton: "Where's the shore? We're too far out!"
Vincent: "You wanna quit?"Anton: We're too far out!"
Vincent: "You wanna quit?"
Anton: "No!"
Anton: "How are you doing this Vincent? How have you done any of this? We have to go back."
Vincent: "It's too late for that. We're closer to the other side."
Anton: "What other side? You wanna drown us both?"
Vincent: "You wanna know how I did it? This is how I did it Anton. I never saved anything for the swim back."

"It was the one moment in our lives that my brother was not as strong as he believed, and I was not as weak. It was the moment that made everything else possible."

And that is what I think about. That moment. That moment made all the difference. It was then he realized that he could beat the system through hard work, ingenuity and self determination... and hope and faith. And to just keep going.

Think about this:"I never saved anything for the swim back."

When I can't go any further- that is what I remember- for seven long years- that line has stayed with me. It made so much sense. And so I keep swimming, and I keep beating the odds, because I don't save anything for the swim back- because why would I want to go back? That was the old me- the one who submitted, who was abused, who was a victim, who was silent, who helped no one. Go back? No way, I'm made to go forward only. I won't save anything for the swim back. Of course lately, I have just been floating- no energy and whatnot, but the important thing is that I keep going forward, or at least hold it steady.

The tag line for the movie: "There is no gene for the human spirit."No matter what the hell is in our brain, or how the chemicals are out of whack, nothing can touch our spirit, our hope, our faith, our determination. The fact that we can and will.

I Can
So nigh is grandeur to our dust,
So near is God to man,
When Duty whispers low,
Thou must,The Youth replies,
I can.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"It is not length of life, but depth of life."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Depth of life. Too often we are concerned with the length of our life- many times the shortness of life, given our suicidal tendencies. But then I wonder- what could we all accomplish. We have so many people here. So many people with so many gifts- even if you don't know it yet. For those teens that don't think they can make it another day, fast forward five years or so, and what if you too, are an advocate for those abused- you could be the one to instill faith and hope, to let people know they are loved, to get them through this stuff. You could be one person's light in this world. And I am reminded of that every day, whether it's through my little brothers- and my new role of teaching them unconditional love, or knowing that it is my hard work and dedication to Julia that has gotten her the point where she is almost considered "typical" to her peers, despite how low functioning she was at one point. Because I chose life, I've made a difference. And because you guys have chosen life, you are changing lives, including your own.

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I like this meaning of success...food for thought, don't you think?

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

This was the central question at my last hospital visit- what is it in me, that would will me to live. It's hard to explain, I will in another post. But, obviously, I found it. I found the reason for me to live. A little about the not saving enough for the swim back. And as much as I ever wanted to die- I was always so full of life. Just as I see all of you, so full of life.

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I like this one. I used to just follow, well no that is not true. I was always the leader of something, that headstrong, stubborn side of me. But now, truly in my life, I'm going where there is no path. My hope and faith and my heart guide me, and I'm trying to leave a trail as I go- sorta like these posts. I'm going somewhere, not sure where, but it feels right, and that is enough for me. I know it is the healing path. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't.

And about Self Injury:"I still see things that are not here. I just choose not to acknowledge them. Like a diet of the mind, I just choose not to indulge certain appetites; like my appetite for patterns; perhaps my appetite to imagine and to dream."- A Beautiful Mind

I thought about self injury when I heard this. Eventually, I just chose not to indulge in those appetites. By the way, he is talking about his hallucinations in the movie. They stayed with him, but he chose instead to ignore them, to not acknowledge them. And he lived a hell of a life. Like we can. We do have so many healthy options at our fingertips, yet sometimes it is so hard to reach for them. And that is what SC is about- helping you reach for them. Because change is possible. Finding yourself is possible. Beating the odds is possible."Just remember that I was as good as any and better than most."
- Gattaca

I believe in this statement, and I believe it applies to the members of SC. Just by the mere fact that we are alive- through everything we have been through- we are STILL here, we still wake up in the morning, we still work through our troubles. Some part of us is willing to get help. Sometimes the progress is slow, or even stagnant, but each day that we wake up, we are further along in our journey.

"They've got you looking so hard for any flaw that after a while, that's all you see. For whatever it's worth, I'm here to tell you that it is possible. It is possible."
- Gattaca

The "they" is our parents, or anybody else that has tried to keep us down. It's the basis of the cognitive distortions. We've gotten so good at putting ourselves down that no one has to do it for us. We get told how bad we are over and over again in various forms, that we begin to believe it, without question. You come here- question it. Because we are good, we are great, we do have worth, just by the very fact that we are alive. It is possible- you all see it every day. Come here, you will see it. Look inside yourself- you will see that it is possible.

"I was never more certain of how far away I was from my goal than when I was standing right beside it."
-Gattaca

Gotta love this statement, for its truth value. To stand next to your goal, and see how freakin far you have come. Bobb once wrote to me, "I am really so proud of you, and so happy for you, that you "get" it, and I do know that it can't be ungotten. You have changed, and it feels like a miracle to me.”

And then to that I replied: "Why do you feel it's a miracle that I changed/got it?"

Her response: "Because it was such a long long road from there to here."

I think that about sums it up, don't you? So many times it feels like I am getting nowhere, that I'm barely making any steps, that I forget to really look back and notice how all the "small" steps have added up. Which is why I write so much, or keep lists or other things- all to remind me how far I have come. Just as I see how far you all have come. I'll use my favorite person as an example- Ashley, I think we've had this conversation about how far she has come. She couldn't really see it when we were talking, so I pulled up a conversation (because I save everything) from two years ago. It could easily be seen then. I think it is so important to see how far we have come on the journey, in that we can gather so much strength and courage to take more steps further. And it's fun to get a smirk when you realize how far you have come. And you can give you cool counselor a miracle before her eyes, that is fun too!

Redemption...Grace...Hope. You never really know what those words mean, they are just words said...until you get a CHANCE. A second chance at that. Each one of us truly knows the meaning of each of those words. I can't describe the feeling I get when I hear the word "hope." Words will never be enough. For something that saved your life, something that grows inside you, something that propels you forward when you think you can't go any further. How you don't save enough for the swim back.

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."
-Dale Carnegie

And they kept going, because there was hope all along. I don't know why I wrote this. I meant to write something entirely different. But here are my thoughts. Love 'em or hate 'em!

The Path

I’m not even sure how to start this...I figured maybe if I just began writing, I would get out what I want to say. The first thing I wanted to talk about was where I am...I feel like I’m between the darkness and the light. The darkness is my past, it’s who I used to be, who I used to want to be, and what I have defeated. The light is where I’m going now, where I know I will go and what I’ve won.

I look back and I see so much pain...so much pain, so much sadness and anger and fear. My heart aches with the pain I see, the pain I can still feel. But, now I can at least look away. And I look away to the light I can now feel, to the future I no longer fear, to the love I wish to feel and the happiness and joy I know is there.

But now...now I feel in between the two. On the path, but not there yet. There are still mountains I must climb and obstacles to overcome, but it seems that the worst has come...there’s no more waiting for it to hit me...it came, and went. I finally let go of it. I hung on for so long, clinging to a path that was not mine to take. Death was not for me, nor living in the past with so much pain. No…that was not the path for me, no matter how comforting it may have seemed or how normal and right it seemed- it just wasn’t mine.

But it was on that path that I forged myself, who I tried to make an identity out of...but now that is no longer. So, that also means that identity is gone. That girl, that woman...she vanished...and a new me is arising. The real me has come forth to claim my identity. I feel like I knew her at times, maybe caught glimpses, but she was never there to stay...just there enough to provide me with hope and the will to carry on. And now I’m finally discovering her…me.

I look and stare at me in wonder. There is finally a me, there is someone I recognize, someone I’m beginning to like a little at a time. But sometimes it’s hard to see, as well. There is just so much I’m discovering, at times it seems overwhelming...at times I can’t believe what I’m doing. It’s not safe and secure territory, it’s not what I’m used to, it’s not...what I remember. It’s all unfamiliar territory...but it is friendly...it is where I CHOOSE to be.

And that choice has made all the difference. That choice allows me to be strong...even faced with my past, faced with the pain, faced with the temptation to return to those times. At times I wonder if I am crazy because I times I miss the pain, the chaos...but I know it’s not because I’m crazy, but because that is what I knew to be life, what I knew to be safe and secure. Pain was constant, predictable...but now everyday I awake and who the hell knows what I have coming. I see so many of my scars sometimes and I feel pain and regret...and temptation for more sometimes. It softly whispers occasionally, but I knew that would come. It will be a while before I can look at something sharp and not know what I want to do with it. Sick? Crazy? Maybe...but I do shut the door on that chapter of my life.

And I begin a new one. One that isn’t written, one that hasn’t been attempted before, and one that is different than all the others. I’ve got quite a thick book on my hands, full of so many chapters- of pain, of sorrow, of hate, and of hurt...rarely can I look back and see the chapter of happiness and joy...those remain the chapters ahead.

There are so many unknowns these days, but that’s okay...I’m ready and willing to face it. I’ve opened up both my eyes and my mind. I’ve made a choice. I made the choice to live, no matter what may come my way. I had my one last fight with pain and suffering, and for once I took matters into my own hand and decided my fate.

I had guides and helpers along the way, to help me build my strength and courage...but in the end, only I could stand and make the choice. Only I could travel that path, only I could really decide. And oh, how close I came to playing out the scene in my mind that haunted me for years. I was so sure I was to die, so sure my days were numbered, so sure I’d die young. I was so afraid of the future, of stepping outside everything I knew...and so used to being who I was not (as strange as that may seem).

And these days...it’s remembering who I was trying to be that causes me pain. In my own way, it seems, I’m trying to burn down the past and who I used to be. I’m doing my best to show ‘me.’ And things I find of my old life...I want to get rid of.

So where am I going with all this? I do not know...as with many things I do not know. What I do know...I am highly enjoying finding myself...really finding myself- and it’s all so new! I mean even my musical tastes have taken a turn around...a thing as simple as what I listen to has taken on new meaning. Someone opened a door for me and I jumped through…so happy to find such a connection...so happy to find something that actually brings me joy. Which I guess is part of the reason I’m playing around with the idea of making music again. Picking up the violin I had long since buried. But I have not forgotten what it meant when I played: freedom. Until depression took that away from me…stripping me of one of the few outlets I had.

But I no longer have depression taking from me. I have joy giving to me. So what would it be like to play now...now that I have so much to look forward too. I guess even a part of me is afraid to play again...especially with my love and deep connection for music these days. Perhaps playing can help me with something else...the deep yearning I’ve had to play ball again.

So piece by piece...I get rebuilt. Funny how that sounds. Or maybe it’s discovered...I get discovered. I feel like when I stepped out of that hospital for the last time...I...ME...stepped out...and into the light. It’s funny...when they let me out the first time in those 19 days…it was raining and cold. I should have known then it wouldn’t be for long. Not only that, but when I went in, it was rainy and cold…the tree’s had not blossomed etc. When I got out…oh what a sunny, warm day. As I walked through campus again for the first time...all the tree’s and flowers were blooming- yes, I know this all sounds corny...but it’s the truth. And it represents the transformation of me that took place. And I think it’s the perfect representation.

So...here I am. I don’t even know what to say...okay, so I just wrote three pages- I mean I don’t know what to say about where I’m going. But I chose a path...the one less traveled, in my own life and the life of my family. No...I don’t always make the right choice, but they are at least my choices...choices I’m not afraid to make. I’m ready to listen and learn with both eyes open and a mind that is slowly opening as well. I take the days as they come, listening more with my heart than my head these days. I’m feeling more than ever...which means both the good and the bad and I let both in because they have to be there...I can’t have one without the other...and that’s not such a bad thing. Why? Because I have learned that joy and happiness are far, far stronger than that of pain, anger and sadness. No matter how dark the path may seem to get...I now always remember that life is sweet...oh so sweet...and,

“I'm so glad that [ I ] finally made it here
With the things [ I ] know now, that only time could tell
Looking back, seeing far, landing right where we are
And oh, you're aging, oh and I am aging,
Oh, aren't we aging well?”

There is a line to a song that I’ve recently heard too, about how suffering isn’t for the evil, but the enlightened. That was a pretty good set of lyrics.

I’m finally getting it, really getting it...and that has become the stronger part of me. I’m here...and I made that choice to be here and to continue on my journey...where ever it may lead.

I stand with strength, courage, joy, and without fear. I have the will to keep going forward, without looking back so much- the future is too bright for that.

Life Is Sweet

Another night, another day gone by and I’m still okay. You know... I live in wonderment every day now. To me, it’s incredible how I feel inside. So I’m happy and scared shitless at the same time. I’m so very happy because it’s been a long time coming, such a long time coming. I think back now and just realize...at some point as a little girl- I went into myself and didn’t come back until about three weeks ago. At some point a long time ago, I decided it was easier to hide and to bottle stuff up, then to show any evidence of my real self...or allow myself to feel joy. What a tragedy! What a loss! I weep for that little girl (well, figuratively, I wish literally!!). I went through life...so blindly, so darkly and I could not see the light.

Yet...here I am. Here I am. Not blind and I’ve stepped into the light. How, I don’t know for sure! And I am scared. It is scary to feel this stuff for the first time and it’s so wonderful- I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to wake up one day and be in a depression or someone to look at me and say I’m manic...I want this to be real, to be mine…to just be!

And so, I live my days out in happiness and in fear. Hopefully in time I can get rid of the fear part. The more I live life (and not survive it) the more I can believe in it hopefully. My eyes are wide open and I’m seeing the world. I’m doing things for myself that are actually fun! Most importantly...I have a life- I didn’t take it. I didn’t take it. It’s still very much here...and my eyes water at these statements. I didn’t take my life. That is a very powerful statement to me. Why? Because I was so sure that I was going to end it one day. At the very least since I was 13 years old I was convinced I was going to die. Even as I started to get treatment at 17...a part of me always felt that I was going to die young, no matter how it happened (though most likely through my own hands). Even last year and the year before when I thought I was better, some part of me felt like it was going to die.

And some part of me did...in fact- MOST of me died. The only part that remained was the part to build myself back up again…into “me.” With the ‘old’ me dying...it left the one I had banished from the land of the living. And so here I am- I did not take my life. And now…wow- how do I say this? A part of me no longer feels the need to die- I don’t feel like dying, I don’t feel any inch of me dying or wanting to die. I am 100% living. Wow...what a f***ing powerful statement for me to make. I’m LIVING...I WANT TO LIVE... I want to shout it from the rooftops. After spending so much of my life working on dying, how SWEET it is to spend my time wanting to live. Life is sweet. Life is so sweet my friends.

New Blog

Well, I have my own website and all that jazz with a journal and whatnot...so I heard a lot about these blogs and thought what the hell- I'd create one. So here it is...I'll post a bunch tonight, from stuff I've written. Enjoy.

Erin