Manic- Depression...and me

"I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn't work for me, the answer would be a simple no... and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It's complicated... I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and have been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters... Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But normal or manic I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know."
-- Kay Redfield Jamison

And so this quote often comes to mind at certain times. Especially if I feel things get out of hand, and sometimes I wonder if I was cursed or blessed. I think both. People often ask me if I regret everything that has happened- the hospital visits, the overdoses, the scars, and the general craziness I found myself in at times. And most often, you will find me saying no, I don't regret it.

At the end of the day, everything that has happened, all those times, both good and bad- they have all served to bring me where I am today. And I look around and realize that it's not such a bad place after all. Yeah, I have my fair share of scars, one look at my arm and you know I've been through a war. And the emotional ones I think run deeper. But without those experiences, I wouldn't be half the person I am today.

Somehow...through Hell, I forged a self, a being...that was the complete opposite of what I was being taught. I fought the abuse, the hurt, the manipulations...and came out a stronger, kinder, more understanding person. And the things I have done to combat both my past and my illness will stand the test of time and really mean something.

I have an incredible website that has found it's own identity and own little hole of fame and a message board that has found a support group like none other. I am so proud of how far the site has come and how many lost souls have found their way just a little brighter, perhaps because they found my site along the way.

And my work- therapist for children with autism. Everyday, I have the chance to change a child's world. I'm bringing children from the darkness to the light. Not just being a voice to convey their thoughts, but helping them find their own voice in which to speak those thoughts. Working with these kids and seeing how far they can go has been amazing.

And I'm around to be part of the process, amazing. But as Dr. Jamison stated in her quote...Lithium is a large part of how I have become me. Having been through a few different meds and no meds at all, I've gotten a handle on how I function. And part of the reason why I am so good with the kids is my creative power, the sparks of insight I can pull from the air in the middle of a two hour session- it's that which really moves us along. And I remember being on meds that made the sparks go away and I just felt like any old therapist who could follow a program book...but not expand upon anything. Losing that creative insight hurt so much, I felt like it was a piece of me gone.

So med playing came...and I played with the meds to almost deadly results. I'm just lucky I had a therapist that knows me through and through and knew when I had decided my time was up.And she saved me...again. But this was a different kind of save. It was a save me from ending my life, but not a save from wanting to die- only I could come up with that. After six or seven hospitalizations, it was time for me to decide. Was I going to fight this illness tooth and nail? Or let it take me?

Apparently I'm too stubborn to leave this world so silently. So I had some renewed hope, in both therapy and my new meds, which includes Lithium.

And the differences have been incredible. It's like Lithium keeps me from living in fast forward or a slow rewind...but right about where it should be...but the tracking needs adjusting- and in comes talk therapy. And my creativity is there. I've still got it with'my kids.' My work with them has not been impacted. It only gets impacted when it' hospital time again.

But I'm through with that. I am becoming who I want to become...I am liking who I am becoming...I'm done with surviving through life, and I'm ready to begin living life!